Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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