That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
