Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
