Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
