Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
