Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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