Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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