I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
