i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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