Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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