Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
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He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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