You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
