guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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