so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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