you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So vagazzling was a success
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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