we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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