gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
