That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
