Soap is not a condiment
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
