Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
This is the high leading the old right now
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
