Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
MIDGETS
????
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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