I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
