I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
