Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
