so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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