I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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