youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
NoShamevember. You game?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
