I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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