a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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