I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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