I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We just shotgunned beers for America
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He shit in the fireplace
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
