Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
