I wish I could teleport
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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