she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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