Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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