They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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