this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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