I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
