She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
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