in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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