I could have mohawked her pubes.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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