I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
