i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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