She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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