I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
