dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Randomize
