At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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