Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
pray to the hookup gods
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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