I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
