By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
