I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
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i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for