When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men