the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
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Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.