I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I can't put those talents on a resume
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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