The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
