I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
