my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
