Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
