My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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