Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
