His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
