You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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