"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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