We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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