I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
