i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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